When you fucked up.
So I work at an after-school program, I am in charge of the cooking club and teach middle school kids how to cook and not burn themselves. It was an ordinary day, the middle school girls act like rebels and run off to see some boy and forget what they signed up for. Well today this little 7th grade girl had to get her shit together.
I have a sixth-grade handicap student in my club, he is very insecure when he is not around his seventh-grade sister. Today his sister decides to leave her brother with her friend. Turns out her friend leaves her little brother alone, so he scrambles frantically to look for her. So I follow him, I stop him and ask him where is he going? "To look for my sister" he says sobbing in tears. His sister notices us looking for her so she decides to walk up to us and quickly looks for an excuse, "it's cuz my friend pulled me away and I had to leave him alone so I can go with her and her boyfriend" I tell her, "Bullshit, you know you're not supposed to be there, look at your brother and how scared he is, i cant afford him to be uncomfortable because it can hurt him, if that girl is really your friend then she should understand that you have priorities." So she put her head down and said nothing. "Your brother needs you right now, because he looks up to you." So she nodded her head, took her brother, and left with her ride.
As I was walking back to my lil' kitchen. I thought about how he must have felt, even though he knew where she was, he looked scared, worried, and afraid. I then thought about my younger brothers and sisters. I asked myself if I have always been the big brother they needed, as I looked back I wasn't. Thinking back now I was a selfish asshole, I thought of myself and rarely did I include them in anything.
About a few weekends ago, my cousins, brother and I come back from a party and we were drunk. Sobering up at my cousins house, my brother decides to vent "Joel, you're a fuck up, you're a dick, I need a fucking brother, you're worth shit to me, you're never there for me! I'm your fucking brother man! you fucked up!" When I heard his words I sobered up. He continued when I was in the third grade, I had a friend over who threw his piggy bank money all over the floor, he looked at me for help but I didn't do anything. He held that against me for that long and he has every right to. I didn't do shit about it. The day after he apologized, he didn't have to, I knew that I deserved it.
I don't have an excuse for the way i treated them, I was breaking him for money, for his stuff, Iwas the worst class older brother. Once realising this, I started to tear up. I'm not gonna lie assholes i fucking cried. I had this feeling that I killed something, it was their trust. "Get the f- Get out of the way!" I told the students surrounding me. I couldn't handle it, I love my brothers and sisters so much I can't believe I was doing that to them.
I know that I can't go back an expect them to forgive me, especially my brother.
So what now. What do we do when we know we fucked up? I have a trail of shit behind me that I tried cleaning up, but shit still stinks.
I know now, what I need to do, who I need to be, but i can't expect miracles. I can just pray for time.