I heard somewhere that God punishes you when you loose faith in him. For sometime now i believed he was punishing me, for doubting him, for leaving his son on wood that soaked in his blood. I am loosing my hair, people don't show it but they take pity on me, I'm at that point where age really means nothing. It really doesn't. I lost interest in savoring the small victories, these little accomplishments don't feel willing, they feel expected. When the sun rises i face to the shadow, i don't know if its a feeling of shame or i can't feel it's warmth anymore. I feel more rage than compassion sometimes, you can imagine a guy cussing out the world inside his little "black" Honda. I'm gaining weight, or i just stop loosing it, instead of filling my heart with whats missing I'm filling it up with cholesterol. Yes, i doubt myself. Many times, i am encouraged then the reminder of my limitations kicks in. I am the halfway man. Halfway to the finish line is more like halfway from the beginning. i don't remember what it feels like to be tired. physically tired is different, mentally exhausted is what i look for. They say i have a mind of a thousand voices, I thought they meant i was hearing voices, but they told me to listen to the voice that sings to you. That voice hasn't performed in a long time, because i ignored, ignored its vocal energy that filled me. I can hear it faintly sometimes, but its just a reminder of what i lost. I'm looking for that song in my head, I'm looking for that warmth from the sun, I'm looking for that feeling that used to fill my heart as a child. I understand that as we grow, things change. Demands grow more than simple favors, and expectations are forced down every one's throat. God isn't punishing me, i did this to myself, there is no Hell, we give ourselves hell and a lot of other shit along with it too. I'm looking for those simple pleasures, I'm looking for adventure, love, different, appreciation, encouragement, feeling, faith and all that stuff that makes us smile in the morning. I think i see it, i think I'm halfway there.